


how to lose the game

by Chae2ice



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Not Beta Read, Not as dark as the tags make it seem i promise, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 12:55:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29792241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chae2ice/pseuds/Chae2ice
Summary: “You’re going to win.”“Kaoru-““You have to win because if you don’t... you were made for this. If you can’t do it what chance to the rest of us have,” he said, rushed and leaving out a final ‘what chance do I have’.(Kyoya and Kaoru seem like the only people in the world aware that high society is all a game until Kyoya’s world turns upside down and Kaoru has to stop and think: why am I even playing anyway?)
Relationships: Hitachiin Kaoru/Ootori Kyouya
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	1. If you’re Tono, please leave me alone.

It was a Wednesday the day Kyoya didn’t show up to school. Kaoru remembered because he’d been on his way to the club room, laments about his only-just-above-average maths test on his tongue, when he heard Tamaki’s whining. 

“If Mummy’s not here everything will be chaos. Chaos! I can’t handle the demon twins alone!” 

He rolled his eyes as he slipped into the room but he couldn’t help the sliver of surprise at Kyoya’s apparent absence. While his rational mind knew that even the Shadow King wasn’t exempt for illness, he couldn’t remember the older boy ever missing school for it. A small part of him had filed that fact away amongst his proof that Kyoya was some kind of new age vampire so this threw a major wrench into that. 

Across the room, his empty desk confirmed his absence and Kaoru couldn’t help but feel the gap in the club. Even with his twin at his side, he’d always felt a kinship to his senpai by virtue of being the only members who seemed to grasp the game. The others continued in their blissful ignorance of their own place on the board but he knew from the dry looks and calculated words that Kyoya was playing to win. With him gone, Kaoru felt a little less there: like he was watching them all like animals in a zoo and wondering if they knew about the Savannah. 

“He won’t even answer my calls! How could he abandon me like this? I should go and see him right now!” Tamaki finished his spiel as the last of the hosts trickled in, grabbing his bag and taking a step towards the door. 

Almost as quickly as he’d moved, Haruhi grabbed his arm and pulled him back. She sighed deeply.

“You have a club to run. Kyoya-senpai will survive without you for a few hours.”

“But Haruhi-“

“If you go and he finds out you cancelled the club to see him, do you think he’ll be glad to see you?”

He shook his head with a petulant pout on his lips. 

“But- but what if he’s not okay and they aren’t taking proper care of him and- and... no, we need to check on him!” He declared, puffing his chest in conviction. 

“Tamaki-“

“I’ll go,” he shrugged. 

“Kaoru, he won’t be happy-“

“Hikaru can hold down the fort. The girls will probably like it anyway. Looking out for a friend is charming, right?” 

He wasn’t sure why is was fighting so hard for it but maybe Tamaki had a point. Not knowing what was wrong was just setting them all on edge and if anyone could justify going it was him. That fact hurt a little but a day off felt much needed so he couldn’t complain. 

“I don’t mind covering,” his brother shrugged.

“Report back promptly, devil twin!” 

He gave a salute and turned on his heel, leaving before the girls could file in.

xxx

Kyoya’s house was intimidating by nature. It loomed a little too grand and a lot too sterile as he approached. The staff let him in without question but shot each other uneasy looks as he passed. Was Kyoya particularly irritable when sick? Surely they’d tell him if it were actually infectious and he should stay away? He hesitated at the bedroom room for a few moments, taking a deep breath before creaking it open. 

Inside the room was dark still. The lights were off and the blinds drawn and, if the vague lump on the bed Kaoru could barely make out as his eyes adjusted to the light were any indication, Kyoya had yet to emerge from between his sheets. Waking up the Shadow King was not something he’d signed up for.

Opening the door, he let the light poor into the room and heard the older boy groan irritably. He nearly screamed in surprise when he heard his voice.

“If you’re Tono, please leave me alone. If you’re Fuyumi, fuck off.” 

He could have laughed but he didn’t want to feel all of Kyoya’s wrath. Though, the strain of his voice made it obvious he wasn’t at full power so hopefully he could come out unscathed. 

“And if it’s Kaoru?” 

He saw the lump on the bed shuffle around until it vaguely resembled a person. He could feel Kyoya’s eyes on him as the silence weighed heavy. 

“Close the door. It’s too bright.”

So he did. He felt around in the dark for the chair he knew wasn’t far from the bed, sitting down and waiting. Breaking the silence wasn’t a task he was up to right now.

“You shouldn’t have skipped club,” the strained voice spoke, almost disembodied as Kaoru’s eyes slowly got used to the dark. He could just make out the silhouette of the other boy. 

“Hikaru’s holding down the fort. I doubt the girls mind, really.” 

“They like both of you. Not just one.”

He hated the way it made him feel warm to hear. Even though he knew it was barely a compliment it still felt a bit like one. 

“Was hoping they’d like the whole ‘looking out for a friend’ thing. Felt like a business minded move. I was hoping you’d approve.”

He’d hoped for some kind of affirmation. Not necessarily a laugh but something more than the silence. Sure they weren’t close but being invited in he’d hoped... 

“Are they worried?” The older boy asked, carefully and slowly sounding out each word. Whatever emotion was there was being tucked away with each word.

“You’re never absent. Tamaki wanted to cancel club entirely,” he said, knowing he should have pretended otherwise as soon as he spoke. The older boy seemed to think on this a while.

“Were you?” 

“I am,” he said, dropping the ‘still’ on the lip of his tongue but hoping the older knew regardless. 

He sighed. 

“I’m not ill. I’ll be back tomorrow.” 

He waited for a few moments but no further explanation came. He gave a sigh of his own. 

“No offence, senpai, but that’s not gonna cut it. Honestly that gives me more questions than answers and if I tell Tono that I think he’ll blow a fuse.” He paused hoping the other boy would speak up but no reply came. “Kyoya, what’s wrong?”

He could see enough now to make out the way his torso slouched where it would usually hold him straight. He could see clothes scatter on the floor and the empty plates at his bedside. Regardless of what Kyoya wanted him to know, he could see that something very much was wrong. 

The silence crept on as he scanned the shadows of the room. Kaoru was stubborn; he’d wait as long as he had to. 

“I lost,” the older boy spoke eventually, not much more than a whisper. 

It took a moment for Kaoru to understand but he still couldn’t comprehend. Kyoya was playing to win. There was no way he wouldn’t, Kaoru was certain of it. If Kyoya could lose then he didn’t know the rules anymore. 

“You can’t have.”

“My brother has the company. Father announced it officially to the world last night. Akito and I weren’t even told, he cared that little.” 

He realised all at once: the strain in Kyoya’s voice, the messy room, the wallowing in the dark; Kyoya wasn’t ill he was distraught. Despite his shock, Kaoru could feel a small, guilty rush at the thought of Kyoya being so imperfect. He hated that he’d even thought otherwise to begin with because now he didn’t know anything. None of the pieces fit on the board anymore and he was ready to flip the table. 

But he couldn’t. Not right now.

“Maybe you didn’t lose?” He tried but was met with a scoff. “Come on, senpai, you just lost this round. Next round you’ll just... find a new tactic!”

“I don’t even know if I want to.”

That took him aback. He knew it was true for him but he had very specific reasons. Reasons that, deep in his mind, he’d always suspected he wasn’t alone in. Kyoya was the only other person who knew they were playing. He couldn’t be the only other one to resent it too. 

“You’re going to win.”

“Kaoru-“

“You have to win because if you don’t... you were made for this. If you can’t do it what chance to the rest of us have,” he said, rushed and leaving out a final ‘what chance do I have’. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

And just like that he was dismissed. He left without another word, knowing that pushing now would just make if harder if the game ever crushed him. In the dark of the room, the ball Kyoya had tucked himself into looked so fragile.


	2. It’s tomorrow! And I’m seeing you!

He hadn’t realised until he reached his home that he still had to tell the others whether Kyoya had been okay. The task was daunting and eventually Kaoru decided it wasn’t worth it. Shooting a quick text of “Kyoya’s fine. He’ll be back tomorrow.” and closed his eyes, telling himself it wasn’t his place to say.

Of course, he knew it wasn’t his place to say because he should never have pushed in the first place. Right now, emotions so ruffled, he concluded he didn’t have space for worrying about that. 

He took the stairs to his room one by one, head still miles back in Kyoya’s room. The older boy had a way of getting into peoples heads but he’d always thought it was purposeful or strategic. This time, as all his thoughts centred on his upperclassman, he felt like even his thoughts were invading where they weren’t wanted. 

More than anything, it was the shock of it all that kept his mind on the interaction. The game was always meant to play out in one way and that was Kyoya’s success. Everything else would land where it may but Kyoya was the one inevitability. He’d thought, at least. 

It wasn’t that he’d tried to place Kyoya on a pedestal. More that, he was so sure Kyoya had earned it that he’d never considered lowering him down to where the redhead was. He was possibility and ideation and everything Kaoru knew he needed to be in the long run: the studious, mature, independent, perfect son. No complications and no... defects. 

Now, if Kyoya was back to square one, Kaoru realised he’d never even been playing. Not really. He was never even a contender and never would be. The game demanded perfection. Kyoya was that and still got stuck so he, in all his wrongness and all his inferiority, was completely hopeless.

Throwing open his door, he dived head first onto his bed, burying his face into the soft pillows. There was still time before his brother would be back and so he let himself grip a pillow to his chest, trying desperately to lull himself to a sleepy reprieve. The fading hope that he’d wake up as someone new sent his body lax with sleep. 

Hikaru didn’t wake him until later that evening, barely even pestering him over dinner because “dealing with a healthy Shadow King is exhausting so you deserve all the rest you can get for dealing with him sick”. He finished his food and slunk back upstairs, barely getting a word in at the ever hectic dinner table. 

As he fell into bed again, his phone pinged from his pocket. He stared blearily at the phone screen as he scanned over the notifications 

His Majesty ♔: I announced it to the girls! Poor maidens were so worried but we all gave a big cheer for him ﾉ(*≧ω≦*) ﾉ 

The warmth he felt for his senpai’s antics just outweighed his doubt over lying to him until he read the next notification and felt his insides twist and the butterflies in his stomach eat away at him.

Kyoya: You told Tamaki I was ill?

He opened his phone, still half awake, and reluctantly typed out a reply, flopping back down only to be surprised at the ping of a quick answer.

Me: yea, sorry wasnt sure what to say

Kyoya: Thank you. 

Smiling contently, he snuggled back into his sheets and nodded off. This time he was ready for tomorrow.

xxx 

Club the next day felt suspiciously normal. Tamaki was theatrical as ever, showing off the new commoners delicacy he’d ambushed Haruhi having for lunch that week (“can you believe the dear poor of our country are so resourceful? Not only instant coffee but now: instant milkshake!). He and Hikaru ran through their bit, spicing it up at one point by implying their piano teacher as children disapproved of their love (“you poor things! How could she?!”), but the end of club rolled around faster than ever. 

Kaoru was shocked that nothing had exploded in their faces. The Ootori news was hardly private and, while many students were discouraged from gossip and many more were kept away from other families drama wherever possible so as not to accidentally cause scandal (*cough* Tono *cough*), the Ootoris were the family to watch. They climbed the ranks and situated themselves amongst the very top of the game with an ease everyone knew was envied even by those above them. A momentous moment of decision for the family’s future wouldn’t go unnoted by other elite families. And where there were elite families there were children at Ouran ready and willing to stir the pot.

Glancing over at Kyoya, scanning the room cooly from the far corner, he couldn’t help but swallow down his awe. He knew the other boy was exceptional, this was a given, but in moments like this he felt almost resentful of it. Kyoya was cold, distant and often hurtful without any indication of guilt or regret. Yet, no matter how much he pushed away, the older boy seemed to attract attention. Even his worst traits could be so easily utilised as positives and, right now, his intimidating, icy shell was a thing of envy; nobody would be the one to provoke him. 

Until their gazes met he hadn’t realised he’d been staring. Kyoya held his eye as if in challenge. Quickly, he spun back to the girls, not missing how one regular’s eye moved to glance between him, Kyoya and her tea. 

As club wrapped up, he felt the tension flood out of him. Letting himself drop down onto the sofa with a huff, he wrangled his phone from his bag to check for notifications. He blinked in surprise.

Kyoya: I can feel your worry from here. Nobody has said anything. It’s fine. 

The message was from almost an hour before and now, over in the corner, Kyoya was closing up his laptop and beginning to pack away. While his brother was preoccupied giving Mori a definitely spoiler filled review of some new action movie they’d been looking forward to (he would see the light drain out of Mori with every new spoiler), he decided to ambush the older boy and quell his nerves. 

“Senpai,” he started, watching as the dark haired boy seemed to notice his arrival and lay his bags back on his desk. 

“Yes, Kaoru?” He didn’t sound like he wanted to talk. Luckily for Kaoru, he wasn’t the sort to make an excuse to leave and so would have to grin and bare it for both of their sakes. 

“It’s... it’s tomorrow! And I’m seeing you?”

“Indeed,” he said, flat and blunt, brow raised and clearly ready to leave. Kaoru panicked again.

“Has Tamaki found out yet?” 

He paused for a moment and Kaoru was sure he’d blown it. Kyoya was always short and cold but right now the ice was practically crawling on his skin. 

“No. Like I said: nobody’s bought it up.” 

“Then, are you going to tell him?”

“No.”

“He’ll be hurt if he’s the last to know.”

“I’m not his guardian. There’s only so much I can look after someone who’s so far ahead of me.” 

His chest suddenly felt like a car parked on top of it. The older boy picked up his things and began to leave. 

“You don’t have to be looking after him to not hurt him,” he gasped out, grabbing Kyoya’s wrist as he passed. 

He scanned his face and found it softened, unlike the hurt and resentment he’d expected. He could feel the upperclassman examining his own expression and moulded it into as close to blank as he could get, settling on anxious.

“I don’t want to. He’ll understand.” 

He let him move out of his grip, watching him go and feeling his mind foggy. It was definitely time to go home.

xxx 

The journey home was a foggy one. He rested his head against the window of the car, watching the world blur past as his minds wandered. The sound of his brother tapping away at his phone blended into the sound of the road and, if his mind ever stopped circling back to the club, his limbs and eyes felt heavy enough that he could let himself be lulled to sleep.

Lost between thoughts and drowsiness, he jolted so hard he almost smacked his brother when he felt his head drop to rest on his shoulder. He twisted his body to him, bumping his head with his own in silent question.

“You’re worrying,” he answered into his shoulder, shifting more weight onto him like a human weighted-blanket. “You know about Kyoya-senpai, right?”

He felt himself stiffen despite himself but let himself stay silent. That would be answer enough.

“I don’t think the others know yet. Did he tell you?”

“He said he was ill but I knew something was wrong so I pushed. I’ve never heard him like that,” he let himself say, knowing that keeping it from his brother wouldn’t work anyway. 

“Like...?”

“Like a teenager, I guess.” 

“I’ve never even heard him sound human,” Hikaru nudged him playfully. “He must be really down if he missed school over it.”

“I shouldn’t have pushed.”

“You let him get it off his chest. He’d probably have gone super Shadow King on us today if he hadn’t.”

Kaoru dropped his head to rest over his brother’s. He’d been so riddled with guilt he hadn’t even considered it. Maybe he couldn’t forgive his own pushing but it may not have been all bad. If it were, Kyoya wouldn’t have texted him or talked to him, right? 

“I think he feels bad that I’m so worried.”

“I really want to be able to picture that but moody teenager Kyoya and ‘feels bad for upsetting someone’ Kyoya is pushing the limits of my imagination,” Hikaru groaned, grinning at his brother’s chuckle. 

Opening up the message, he held the phone so Hikaru could read Kyoya’s message. A surprised hum came from beside him and he tucked the phone back away. 

“Okay,” relented his brother, “I wouldn’t go as far as worried but- wait, was that in the middle of club?”

“Yep.”

“Kaoru, my dear brother,” he finally raised his head for the dramatic affect, making his brother suppress an affectionate eye roll, “I think you’ve done it.”

“I’ve...?”

He smirked and Kaoru was immediately regretting playing along.

“Won the affections of the Shadow King himself! How could you make a new best friend without me?” 

He looked up at Kaoru with big eyes, practically begging him to indulge him. In return, he held his cheeks in his palms. 

“You know I’d never.” 

But really, now that he really had to think about it, he wasn’t so sure. He knew Hikaru was joking about finding a new best friend but it scared him. He wanted it. A best friend who was his and not theirs and who wanted him and not them. No matter how much he loved his brother, he couldn’t fill in for all the love he needed. He wanted so badly to be loved for him and for the things that made him Kaoru; he’d just never let himself look for it before.

The guilt swelled in him but the excitement came just as quickly. Maybe this could be something and maybe his brother was right and Kyoya did care. The older boy always seemed to treat Kaoru softer: he brushed against him with less force and reprimanded him more often with looks than words. When he let himself look, he noticed how Kyoya seemed to understand him, even outside of the game and the club. They shared silent passions and favourite subjects to study and loved the behind the scenes work of hosting more than the job itself. They both knew things about each other they’d never been told and others that they were allowed to learn. 

Hikaru couldn’t possibly know that there was always an unspoken friendship between them and not because he’d ever hidden it. It was only ever an open secret in the first place, even to them.

“It’s weird to imagine him texting during club,” Hikaru said, throwing himself back to his seat. This seatbelt made a pained squeak as it whipped back. “Then again you were kinda out of it.”

“I was?” 

He felt himself flush.

“Yeah, I don’t think the girls noticed for a while but you zoned out a bunch near the end.” 

“As if I could hide that from you if I tried. Still, I’m lucky it wasn’t obvious, at least,” he sighed, feeling the car slow to a stop outside the house. 

“I’ll cover for you if you need to nap it off?” His brother said before either got out. They both know it didn’t need to be said (they’d always covered for each other) but it was nice to hear it allowed sometimes. 

He nodded, leaving the car.

Kaoru wasn’t an idiot and neither was Hikaru; they knew that things between them weren’t going to stay the same forever. Deep down Kaoru knew they already weren’t the same since joining the club. He just wasn’t sure if Hikaru had worked it out yet. Moments like this made him wonder.

**Author's Note:**

> I found a one shot I wrote years ago in my notes and I really loved it so sorry but new fic!! Once again I don’t know how frequent my uploads will be but I’m aiming for every two weeks or so. Hope you enjoy ♥︎


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